PICKING OVER THE BONES

CAPTION COMPETITION:

THE RESULTS

This you will recall was the picture for which I invited captions...

Well, that produced what I can only describe as a bumper crop of witticisms and sillinesses (submitted via these pages and my Facebook page) that are, arguably, the best selection of entries that I and my guest judge, Sophie Walpole, have ever had to assess.

There were, as you will see, some frequently visited themes and a lot of unexpected flights of fancy.

So, here are your offerings beginning with the–––

RUNNERS-UP

 (Or, in view of the photo, maybe HOPPERS-UP)

MATTHEW FIELD

We told Lance Armstrong that doping affects your health.

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GOOD DOG
 
Keppel is saying: Well Betty, you only have yourself to blame for trying out a sandblast dance.

Or...

George Osborne [UK Chancellor of the Exchequer] is telling those assembled at the party conference: "You see, even stripped of everything he has by our latest policies, Barry here still has a leg to stand on."

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THIMBLES

 A legend in his own lifetime.

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ROGER O B...

Undercover officers catch the Hallowe'en bike thief: caught bang to rights without a leg to stand on, he proved 'armless.

Or... 

I told Wiggo his training diet for the Tour of Britain was too extreme.

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MB 

[In the style of a ventriloquist] "I was in Kirates o'the Karigean, you know, so this nusic hall chenttrillo... kentrillo.... kwizm gisness is a git of a kungdown..."

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BOLL WEAVIL  

"Oh, the boots on the other foot now!"

Or... 

"Now will you put the underpants on and pose for the caption picture."

Or...

I think we have the bare bones of a caption competition here.

Or...

"I can't wait for the second leg."

Or...

"Well, you feed the dog then."

Or...

"Legless again, eh ? I thought you had no-body to go out with."

Or...

"Well, it’s the only option if you still need to lose more weight."

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PHIL

 "'E may look in a bad way, but 'e's 'armless."

Or... 

"He hasn't got a leg to stand on."

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DAVID WEEKS

Man on left: "Ah, yes, I see what you mean... female pelvis... the hat isn't quite right is it?"

Or...  

Skeleton: "You said it was a formal do... I feel silly in this hat."

Or...  

"I've heard that you went on a diet, but this is ridiculous."

Or...   

Skeleton: " When I said I'd like a leg up I didn't mean that you should remove the leg, idiots!"

Or...  

"OK, we bought the bike now you can hop it..."

Or...  

"Nice boot... where's the other one?"

Or...  

"He's had a skin-full, I'm sorry to say."

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ROY MARSH

...Times were tough... we only had a skeleton staff back then.

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BOB SANGWELL
 
The earliest diet fads were a little bit hit and miss.

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SUZETTE LANE

"In your opinion, Mr. Bones..."

[Old black-face Vaudeville, American]

Or...  

"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a miracle worker!" [Star Trek]

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COLIN SNASHALL

"That's what happens when you miss the last bus home."

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ROBERT TIEMAN

"Perhaps you'd like to try something in an open-toed pump?"

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JEREMY CLARKE

Man on left: "I've a bone to pick with you."

Or... 

Skeleton: ""Sadly, I haven't got a leg to stand on."

Or... 

Man on right: "That'll cost you an arm and a leg, then."

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SEBASTIAN HUNT

"We weren't joking when we said pay your dad's funeral bill or up he comes..."

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TONY BELLOWS

 "I've got a bone to pick with that Jake the Peg about unauthorised theft."

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MARK RICHARDS

The total abandonment of the rules about who can marry led to some curious combinations.

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CHRIS BARCLAY

 "... which is why we called it a bone-shaker!"

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EDITOR'S SELECTION

 (Ones that particularly tickled my funny bone!)

ANDY LATHAM  

When the new "short exposure times" failed to live up to their billing, little Johnny and Peter regretted getting their teacher in for the school photo.

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PHIL

"As I recall, the knee-bone is SUPPOSED to be connected to the shinbone."

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BOLL WEAVIL  

Alleged cheat in hopping race loses first leg.

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DAVID WEEKS

"I guess you don't really need cycle clips."

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RICHARD KAUFMAN

Mr. Houdini is helped from his Water Torture Cell after discovering that it was accidentally filled with acid.

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MICHAEL BARTLETT

This is the way all coalitions end.

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MARK FARRAR

"We told him not to wait for Simon Cowell to applaud."

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And NOW the WINNERS!

THIRD PLACE

GOOD DOG

Harry is saying to Larry: Larry you dopey fool, thinking you could sit through The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey without a large popcorn and jumbo Coke for basic sustenance.

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SECOND PLACE

VERONICA ZUNDEL 
 
The two Atos inspectors decided Henry was definitely fit for work...

[Atos is the controversial company Atos, which conducts fitness-to-work
tests]

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FIRST PLACE

SUZANNE  

"The bunion operation was not a great success."

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Many thanks for taking part and CONGRATULATIONS to the WINNERS!

Another caption competition will be coming soon!