TUNNEL VISION

So, I've been disagnosed as having Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - in both wrists!

The question now is whether or not to have either or both operated on.

Of course, the moment you get anything in this life, you immediately find yourself in conversation with people who know ALL about it --- and TELL you, beginning with a long, sharp intake of breath through clenched teeth and a pitying shake of the head...

"Oh, dear, my cousin had that... Well, not my cousin but a friend of hers... Well, not exactly a friend, but someone she knew - or, rather, met at a bus stop... Anyway, the thing is she had it and afterwards couldn't play the piano... Mind you, of course, she couldn't play the piano before having the operation... etc, etc..."

Not sure it's necessarily the best advice, but certainly the most amusing was proffered by my agent who said: "Brian, if you haven't reached the state of wanting to slash your own wrists, I'm not sure you should be letting anyone else do it!"

LEONARDO DI FROSTED

After yesterday's blog on the Titanic watch, a sneak preview of the sequel to the block-busting, ice-cracking film-of-the-disaster...



Excited? Better check out the Titanic: Two the Surface Official Website.

DEATH WATCH

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on…

Ok, I'll pause a moment to give you time to dry your eyes and blow your noses...

Now, I know I’m in a minority of -1, but I really wasn’t that keen on James Cameron’s Titanic - partly because I guessed the ending (groan!) but also because I knew - from books I'd read and another, far finer, film, A Night to Remember - that many compelling stories of real life heroisms and partings from that tragic night on 14 April, 1912, were carelessly tossed overboard in favour of the histrionic flim-flam of Jack and Rose’s syrupy version of Romeo and Juliet with ice.

However, even Cameron’s inane fantasies pale into insignificance compared with the Titanic grave-robbery currently being perpetrated by Swiss watch-designer Romain Jerome.

I could write at some length about the gross tastelessness of the luxury trinkets being trafficked by Mr Jerome, but I'll let his own press release do the work for me…

The "Titanic-DNA": a high-end watch
integrating real steel from the Titanic

The "Titanic-DNA" watch contains authentic parts of the Titanic ocean liner drawn from the ocean floor. It brings together material and spirit. Or perhaps one should say soul. This watch is part of the new "DNA of Famous Legends" collection that Romain Jerome presents as a world premier. New materials, precious metals, complications - one finds all of these as well in the "Titanic-DNA".

However, the watch’s real exclusivity is to be found in the direct relationship between a truly unique timepiece and one of the most extraordinary achievements created by man…the legendary Titanic ocean liner that disappeared in 1912. Here’s where spirit becomes material. This new concept goes far beyond the creation of a great luxury watch with a prestigious movement and noble materials; it is breathing a soul into the object.

The result is astonishing. The object lives. It is a work of art. The Belle-Époque resurfaces on the wrist of a few privileged people who understood they have offered themselves much more than just a fine watch.


The rusted steel is created by an extraordinary fusion carried out at the Harland&Wolff shipyards in Belfast, where the Titanic was constructed. This fusion brings together the authentic steel of the shipwreck, which was resting on the ocean floor at a depth of 3,840 meters, and that of the memorial project that will see the light of day in Belfast in 2012. This is how the DNA is captured; a myth is reborn.

The hands are inspired by the anchor of the Titanic and turn on a dial of deep black; a colour obtained from the coal collected in the legendary shipwreck. The small second hand at 9 o’clock recalls the meters of the ship’s steam engines. Each version contains a La Joux-Perret movement and is limited to 2,012 pieces; a number referring to the celebration of the 100th anniversary of the Titanic. The "Titanic-DNA" is available in a watchcase of platinum or gold with elements of titanium, ceramic, composite materials or rusted steel made according to the process explained above.

The Titanic, a masterpiece of its time.
The "Titanic-DNA", a masterpiece of our time.

One can but wonder what future models will grace Romaine Jerome’s "DNA of Famous Legends" line in watches... Timepieces decorated with sequins from Elvis’ last suit? Or wreckage from James Dean’s Porsche 550 Spyder? Or even, perhaps, bits of bodywork from that black Mercedes 280S that crashed in the Pont d'Alma underpass?

All are possible, I would guess, although the "Twin Towers - DNA" watch must surely be the next luxury item for Mr Jerome's catalogue which would, naturally, be made of twisted steel and rubble dust from Ground Zero and would feature an alarm simulating the sound of a plane exploding which could be set to impact every day at precisely 09:11...

THE NAMING OF CATS

I had a cat once --- for a week!

There were two reasons why Tiddles went off to live with Aunty Margaret and Uncle Harry: one was the fact that I turned out to be allergic to cat hair which, for a five-year-old asthmatic, is not a great discovery; the other was that Miss Baker, an elderly and curmudgeonly neighbour, accused Tiddles of tiddling in her coal shed which resulted in a decidely unpleasant odour when the coal was burnt.

Tiddles naturally denied the accusation, but since Miss B was threatening to leave out some poisoned cat food for him, he got nervous and put in for a transfer.

Since then I have never really been terribly intimate with cats, although I've always been on polite nodding-terms with our friend (and fellow blogger) Polkadots' cats DOLLY and the late-lamented MIMSY...


Following Mimsy's recent departure for what T S Eliot (or was it Andrew Lloyd-Webber?) called "The Heaviside Layer", Polkadots is in the process of looking for a new chum for Dolly and has entered into negotiations with the current guardians of this young gentleman...


However, as Andrew Lloyd-Webber (or was it T S Eliot?) observed, "The naming of cats is a difficult matter, It isn't just one of your holiday games..."

Which is true (and all the more so on a Bank Holiday Monday); so the question exercising Polkadots at present is what to call the new user of the cat-flap.

Readers of this blog are well-known for their startling creativity, so please give POLKADOTS the benefit of your insightful inspiration...

My personal offering is 'LOUIS' (pronounced 'Lewis') so that when he arrives, Polkadots can introduce him to Dolly in song (adopting, of course, a suitably gravelly voice): "Well, hello, Dolly, this is Louis, Dolly..."

Oh well, just a thought!

[Portraits of Dolly and Mimsy by David Weeks, 2007]

DO-RE-MI-FA-SOPRANO

The deliciously talented jazz soprano, Tina May, kept us very entertained the other day with some bravely-shared jokes at the expense of sopranos...

"How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"I don't know how many?"

"Six: one to change the lightbulb -- and five others to say that it really was a bit high for her!"

And here's another...

"How do you know when there's a soprano trying to open the door?"

"How?"

"She's always coming in late and she can never find the right key!"

I was also rather keen on the following joke which will be applauded by any and every performer (not to mention artist and writer) who has ever employed an agent...

"How many agents does it take to change a lightbulb?"

"Go on, how many?"

"None... If it's not working, they're not interested!"

Thanks, Tina...

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

Every day, great and small dramas are unfolding in our world and to the folk involved the smaller ones are just as traumatic and potentially life-shaping as those with historic implications or global repercussions...

Here, sellotaped to a lamp-post in our road, is the tale of a tiny tragedy, the scars of which will unquestionably remain for years...

[Click image to enlarge]

FACE OFF (AND ON)

B***** Blogger's done it AGAIN!!!!! It disallowed comments on my FACE TO FACE post (below) with its amazing revelations that the Queen looks like Whoopi Goldberg; that the Pope resembles Mel Gibson (must have been that religious film he made that caused him to look like the Pappa) and, best of all, that we now know who it is that Tony Blair has reminded us of for the past 10 years!!

Comments are now being ALLOWED!

FACE TO FACE

After yesterday's wildly unsuccessful experiments to discover my celebrity look-alikes, I decided to see who the CELEBRITIES looked like.

There are a couple of fortuitous guesses and several truly inspired leaps in the dark... but I'll just let the results speak for themselves! Click on any image to enlarge.





Look-alikes rounded up by My Heritage.

I KNOW THE FACE BUT...

Some 21 years ago, I was standing in line for 'Mr Toad's Wild Ride' in Disneyland, when a man mistakenly thought I was Francis Ford Coppola.

This wasn't quite as absurd as it might sound, because the then new 3-D Michael Jackson movie, Captain EO, was being premiered that day in the park and the film had been directed by FFC.

In response, I tried pointing out that Mr Coppola was unlikely to have to stand in line at Disneyland, but my accoster was unconvinced by that or, indeed, by my British accent. "Oh, well," he said, "if want to be difficult! I was only going to suggest you should give my son, Tommy here, a screen-test because the kid's a born natural, but I'm sorry to have bothered you!"

I politely replied that I was, in fact, a journalist from London reporting on Francis' film rather the man himself - but it was to no avail. "So bloddy grand, these frigging celebrities!" he muttered.

Later in the day, another Godfather fan-boy came up and asked me to pose for a photo and, once again, I explained that I was not who he thought I was!

When, however, a third person rushed up to me as I was heading for the exit turnstiles and thrust a pen and autograph book into my hands, I simply smiled sweetly and signed 'Best wishes, Francis Ford Coppola'!

Of course, as the pages of Private Eye long ago proved, Everybody looks like Somebody and having spotted on various blogs that My Heritage was offering to identify celebrity look-alikes I decided to have a go, confidently expecting them to come up with Mr C.

But no!

I tried assorted snaps taken over the last few years showing me with various hairstyles and wearing different glasses (even sans specs) but not so much as a glimpse of Francis...

Oh, well, never mind... At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I sometimes look like Jack Lemmon or Charlton Heston and - presumably on better days - Vince Vaughan or Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Mind you, any system that thinks I look like Gareth Gates and Bela Bartok (musical though they both are - or were) has got to be, at best, a tad fallible; and whilst the inclusion of Luciano Pavarotti wasn't too much of a surprise, I'm not entirely sure what to make of my supposed likeness to Jesse L Martin, Will Smith and Michael Jordan!





I wonder... Are any of these people ever told that they look like me?!

SCARY SIGN

Following yesterday's collection of hair salon signage, here is a beauty parlour with potentially sinister connotations...

Maybe best not to let the beauticians get too Close!