Saturday, 7 October 2006

FAREWELL, WONDERDRUG!

A couple of months ago, when I was told I was going to be introduced to the lovely, gifted Ms Wonderdrug, the cure for all my ills, I blogged on the topic of unwanted side effects.

Well, Wonderdrug and I formally began our relationship two weeks ago and already we have fallen out big time and parted company --- forever! Indeed, I'm seriously considering suing for breach of promise…

“Which of the Unwanted Side Effects are you experiencing?” asked the Specialist at the hospital.

“Do you have the list?” I replied, “Well, basically tick off every other one: sore throat, cold symptoms, diarrhoea, stiffening of the limbs, shoulder pains, exhaustion, bruising, and - especially enjoyable - ‘little red spots all over the body’…”

So Wonderdrug and I have been granted a decree nisi and I get custody of all the Pains! Now I’m moving back in with the Steroids - who tend to make me put on weight but are, otherwise, really good friends who kindly look after the Pains while I get on with other things. Certainly any damage they may cause they do without making all the fuss and noise that I experienced with Ms Wonderdrug…

I have to wait two weeks until Wonderdrug has packed her things and finally moved out of my body; then - when the divorce is absolute - they’ll set up some dates with one or two Newdrugs that may - or may not - prove more compatible…

Frankly, I’m not hopeful. I’ve been though a painful experience and am older and wiser; apart from which the Specialist told me, with a resigned shrug: “Most of the other drugs also have side-effects for Some People…”

That “Some People” felt vaguely accusatory, as if it was my fault Wonderdrug and I hadn’t hit it off… And maybe it is…

While we wait, there’s a new diversion to keep me amused: a bone-density scan to discover whether there is any underlying problem with my inner scaffolding that might explain why I quite so easily fractured a bone in my foot simply by stepping off a bus…

“The trouble with doctors,” my old Dad used to say, “is once they get their hooks into you…”

He always broke off at that point, but I think I know what he meant…

2 comments:

polkadotsoph said...

i recommend further doses of purple chilli...

Scrooge said...

I always find the best way to avoid being ill is not to visit anyone who'll tell you what you have. They are usually wrong and you're best not knowing anyway.