Monday, 10 December 2007


After writing about God's movie career the other day, I found my way to what is clearly an important document for those who have (wrongly) assumed that God has given up direct communication with his creation...

The Louie/God Interviews: What the Big Fella Really Thinks About Man and the Universe is the result of a scoop of an exclusive interview with The Supreme Being conducted by writer Louie Lawent.

Louie grills The Supreme Being about his checkered career, covering the Almighty's propensity for smiting, evolution, pop culture and the fact that God believes Himself to be the victim of a disinformation campaign. He also reveals whether or not aliens really did land at Roswell; which Hollywood director He would choose to direct His life story; His favorite political joke and His pet peeves? For example...

Louie: What is your real opinion of people?

God: They're like radio songs that are fine for the car ride home, but you'd never purchase them to be part of your master collection.

Here are a few more quotes straight from the Deity's mouth:

Louie: The theories of relativity confuse me. If a person travels at the speed of light, is the running time of an Adam Sandler movie shorter than if a person were traveling slower than the speed of light?

God: No, both experiences would register as off the charts infinite torture in the mind's eye.


Louie: How many times did you create the universe?

God: Numerous. As a creator I didn't want to toy, but the focus groups were brutal. Their concerns were about inanities such as light and shadow and the periods of time between a comet's visibility. So to prove I was a flex God, I relented. However, make no mistake, I only go so far. I'm a bend but not break God.


Louie: Given that the universe is 13 billion years old, how did it take you so long to come up with man?

God: Who's to say I didn't create previous universes where I went fast and man turned out even worse than today's version. Maybe I gave up on the Microsoft approach and worked the bugs out before the release date.


Louie: Did the "God only helps those who help themselves" quote come from you or was it falsely attributed to you by others?

God: This was a direct quote. I was sick of being the welfare God, the Santa Claus wish list God. The Neanderthals were the inspiration behind it, asking for the stoning of the best loin of saber tooth tiger. Of course I didn't say my quote to them. They couldn't write and were terrible with oral histories so I filed it away for modern man but it gave me a kick in the pants to speed the Neanderthal demise.


Louie: How do sinners plead their case to you?

God: They insist that I'm taking their sins out of context.


Louie: What's one of your biggest challenges?

God: Encrypted sins.


Louie: What else bothers you?

God: When I'm accused of not being user-friendly.


Louie: What's a little-known fact about you.

God: I put virtual reality ketchup on my steak.

Louie: Why?

God: It's a cultural thing - the way I raised myself.


The Louie/God Interviews: What the Big Fella Really Thinks About Man and the Universe is available from Amazon and Barnes & Noble.


Boll Weavil said...

This sounds like a good idea for a book. It would be nice to get an English language version.

Brian Sibley said...

BOLL - The trouble is, there aren't many translators around today capable of translating American into English... ;-)