But I did! One minute I was in the thrall of an amazingly bizarre dream (the details of which, regrettably, are not suitable for an un-rated blogsite - "Dr Freud will see you now, Mr Sibley...") when I experienced the much-written-about, boringly-stereotypical falling sensation...
I am rudely awakened to find myself on the floor wondering, firstly, whether I might have broken something and, secondly, how I was going to get up again!
When I was a kid, I fell out of bed more often than Windsor McKay's Little Nemo tumbled out of Slumberland.
The difference was that in the days of blankets and sheets, I rarely if ever made landfall. Instead, I usually found myself suspended, cacoon-like, in an inch above my Mickey Mouse-Sorcerer's Apprentice bedside rug.
In fact, I would be so tightly wound up in the bedding (Imhotep would have marvelled at the thoroughness of my mummification) that I invariably had to call out to my father to extricate me from my self-imposed bondage!
Anyway, it's something that - until the other night - I've not done for years and, looking at the bruises, bumps and grazes I sustained, it is something I don't plan on doing again in a hurry!
In the event of a repeat performance, however, I may just have to go in for the Sinanco Bed Support of which there are two types: the Standard Model and - if I felt in need of a little extra confidence - the Security Model "for senile and confused patients".
The only drawback seems to be that once in...
...if you've forgotten to take your specs off, you have to keep them on all night!
Or, instead, I could go for a safety mat from FALL-EZ: "Great for everyone from Infant to Senior! With FALL-EZ falling does not mean fear!"
Except that I am tempted to think that the man shown above is beyond fear being, in fact, already DEAD!
Supposing, however, you are alive, it does seem a simple enough product to use. "When properly placed adjacent to a bed," we are told, "the FALL-EZ™ safety mat can greatly reduce injuries resulting from falls..."
See? As easy as falling off a log and if you happen to be sleeping like a log then it is obviously perfect!
What's more: "When not in use, the FALL-EZ™ safety mat can be easily stored behind or under the bed." Or possibly used for karate practice --- if, that is...
... you can actually manage to lift it without the aid of two trained members of the medical profession!
May it would be easier if I just had a chat with David and see how he feels about handcuffs...