Thursday, 30 October 2008

TOMB MUCH CHAT

CAPTION COMPETITION
The Results!

You will remember I asked you to provide some dialogue for John and Margaret Treherne who have spent the last 400 years on public show in Southwark Cathedral


The call for captions on this occasion yielded a bumper crop of such uniform excellence that deciding on a winner was particularly testing...

There was one response that I wasn't altogether sure about: was it a caption or was it a complaint from one of John and Margaret's decedents who took exception to my describing their epitaph as doggerel? It was posted by David Trehearne and merely read '...doggerel?' Oh, dear, sorry, Mr Trehearne.

Anyway, back to what were definitely entries...

CARL V speculated:

I can quite literally hear him making one of many lascivious comments about the endowments of the women of today while she quite clearly seems to be saying, 'Good heavens, I have a worrying feeling in my colon.' (Thank you Vicar of Dibley)

ANDY in GREECE picked up on that plaque which the Trehearnes's are holding:

John: You would have thought that after 400 years someone would have fixed this plaque in place so we could let go of it.
Margaret: Perhaps you ought to try getting out a bit more.

BOLL WEAVIL (as is his wont) produced a variety of possible comments:

Margaret: I see Sibley's here again, Sire.

And...

John: I've told Brian when that hospital can do new pins, they can come and fetch me!

And, again...

John: Another recession out there! Nothing for hundreds of years then two come together!

GILL picked up on Mrs T's bored expression and suggested:

John: I know it is tedious Margaret darling, but do at least try to smile for the tourists.

ANONYMOUS considered the inevitable exhaustion of standing around for 400 years:

John: At last finally recognised for all that I did for him [the King]. Just wish that we could now sit.

While SUZANNE noticed that Mrs T seemed to have less room than her husband:

Margaret: Shove up a bit, I'm squashed up against this wall and my shoulder's killing me.
John: Oh, stop nagging woman!

SUZANNE also suggested:

John: As if 50 years wasn’t enough and she’s still giving me the belly ache.
Margaret: I never should have had that roasted swan - I’m sure it wasn’t fresh.

While SHEILA (remembering earlier blogs about culinary potential of goats) offered the following glimpse into the Trehearne's dietary habits:

Margaret: I knew I shouldn't have had goat stew for my last supper.
John: And I don't think having an ice pack on your head is going to sort out a 400-year-long stomachache.

I liked the ice pack!

Interestingly, quite a few of the entries were concerned with food, eating and the aftereffects thereof...

JEN offered:

John: Don't hold your stomach like that, it'll put folks off the menu...

LISAH suggested:

John: I wish they'd all hurry up and leave - I'm dying to nip out for a kebab.

LUINFALATHIEL also imagined an exchange about grub:

Margaret: Whoo... I knew I shouldn't have had that burrito!
John: When they're all gone, I'll go get you some Tums, dear.

And ROGER, similarly inspired came up with:

Margaret: Will someone hurry up and invent Gaviscon (TM)?

So to the WINNERS!

In JOINT THIRD PLACE---

SUZANNE with...

Margaret: Why couldn't Will have written your epitaph? Now we're stuck with this rubbish for ever.
John: How many time do I have to tell you? Will died two years before us!

And DAVID WEEKS with...

John: Those priests look more effeminate every year.
Margaret: Verily my dear, that is because they are women.
John: Women priests!
Margaret: Yea, John.
John: Tush 'tis unnatural. They'll have women in the service of Her Majesty next!
Margaret: John!

In SECOND PLACE ---

BOLL WEAVIL who offered this simply but effective one-liner...

John: Faith, Sire, that was a good night! I'm totally legless!

And in FIRST PLACE---

ROGER who suggested the following intimate revelation...

Margaret: I know our older sons are already bearded,my lord, but verily, I believe I'm up the duff again.
John: Gadzooks, wife, I should have gelded that Groom of the Bedchamber!

Congratulations to all the winners and many thanks to all the entrants for providing us with so many amusing conversations!

8 comments:

Boll Weavil said...

A great selection of contributions ! I think we should publish a book !

Eudora said...

Is the best Caption since I know your blog Brian!. Very funny.

Anonymous said...

Roger stumbles up to the podium in floods of tears:
"This is such a surprise (giggles inanely)I am so unworthy, (waves trophy aloft).I'd just like to thank... [20 minutes of acknowledgements, psychobabble and drunken ramblings deleted for the sake of those with a low boredom threshold]

Roger O B...

Suzanne said...

I absolutely love these captions competitions! More more more!

Brian Sibley said...

I notice - with the notable exception of EUDORA - that it is only the WINNERS who leave effusive compliments on the competition results!! ;-)

David Weeks said...

Excuse me, but who judged this latest competition? Not that I am, in any way, disputing the judgements, of course.

Brian Sibley said...

The Editor, of course!! Who's judgement (as we well know) is always FINAL! ;-)

Suzanne said...

Nonsense, Brian - winner or loser, I love wracking my brains to find something vaguely funny!