Wednesday, 28 June 2006

AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DEVIL AWAY

The notice first appeared tied to a lamppost outside the church and declared: “THE APPLE CLEANSES THE SOUL…”


Then, a day or two later, we received a more detailed report in the form of a typed and photocopied tract shoved through our letterbox.

Since it is headed ‘YOUR SOUL’, I feel a sense of obligation to share at least part of its teachings with you…

“You do have a SOUL that takes you to HEAVEN, but can dwindle and disappear as you gradually SIN. If it does disappear, you let the DEVIL take over your life. And he will make you do all the SIN you never dreamed of, to control of you here and in hell.

“The proof you do have a SOUL is the WHITE light you see at the back of your eye, when you place a finger there, in the dark. It goes RED if your white light goes out. Shine white light in one of the EVIL ONE’S eyes, and you see RED reflected there. Proof they are there. Controlling the WORLD, the world which is really the GARDEN of EDEN.”

When do we get to the bit about the APPLES, you ask? Bear with me - or, rather, bear with the person promulgating ‘The Gospel According to Granny Smith’:

“The eating of little creatures, big and small, is a SIN. You should not even eat vegetables - they were meant for the animals. Well, what do you eat? At the beginning in the garden you were meant to eat APPLES and only APPLES, no water even, you get liquid from the APPLE…

“The special thing about the APPLE - and the DEVIL has hidden it from the beginning - is the fruit of the APPLE forgives SIN. So, eat the APPLE and it forgives you your SIN. The PEEL of the APPLE keeps the EVIL ONES away from actually harming you.

“You have to eat APPLES on a daily basis to get these benefits. When they are there, you can see History and the World in a new light.”

So, there you have it in a nutshell - or in an apple-pip - and if it’s got the juices going and you want to explore the joys of appledom in greater detail - though not necessarily for its sin-absolving properties - then you could start with this intriguing site in praise of English Apples.

A word of warning, however, there is a variety of apple that ought, perhaps, to be avoided at all costs...

It’s called---

RED DEVIL!


[Image: Red Devil apple by Simon Mills]

4 comments:

Cafrine said...

Hee! An apple a day keeps the devil away!

Cafrine said...

Darn it! I just realised I completely stole your title. It's just, really, the perfect quip for this strange little story.

Diva of Deception said...

I've eaten two apples a day minimum for as long as I can remember - yet I'm still Jewish! That doesn't seem to fit in with the essence of this blog at all....

Brian Sibley said...

May I point out to the Diva of Deception that whilst the word 'Devil' appears only occasionally in what Christians call 'The Old Testament', the Jewish ‘Torah’ does refer to 'Satan'; and the 'Serpent' who, in the ‘Book of Genesis’, tempts Eve to eat the “Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil”, is quite clearly not on God's side and has generally been identified by the world at large as being 'Satan' or 'Lucifer' - a.k.a. 'The Devil'...

So, if I've got this right... providing the “Fruit of the T of K of G and E” was NOT actually an apple - and neither the Jewish original nor in later Christian versions say it was - then apples are very probably OK!

In fact, if you’re eating TWO-A-DAY, I'd say there's a damn good chance that you'll get to Heaven whether you believe in it or not --- or even, probably, whether you WANT TO or not!!!

Blimey! It's not easy this theology stuff, is it?