Wednesday, 6 August 2008

ODDMINTS

After those various mint selections offered by The Unemployed Philosophers Guild (see here, here and here), I have now discovered - from a different source - some extreme oddities, such as...

COMMIE MINTS

"Revolutionize your breath just like Lenin and the Bolsheviks revolutionized Mother Russia!"


GARLIC MINTS

"Each gothicly-styled tin contains one hundred mints guaranteed to give you the kind of garlic breath that will send vampires scurrying back to their coffins. Warning: consistent use of Garlic Mints may have a negative impact on your social life."


BITE-THE-BULLET MINTS

"Keep a tin of these Bite the Bullet Mints in your holster and you’ll have the freshest breath in the West!"


DEATH MINTS

"Each collectible, coffin-shaped tin contains one hundred potent mints that will leave you with fresh breath to die for!"


MONKEY [Banana-Flavoured] MINTS

"If the simple grin on this monkey tin isn't enough to cheer you up, the delicious banana mints inside should do the trick. Whether you're monkeying around at home, or going bananas at work, a smiling tin of Monkey Mints will surely turn that frown upside down."


BACON MINTS

"Each one of these mints tastes like a delicious slice of crispy bacon with just a hint of mint flavor to give it that extra punch!"


After which you may wish to avail yourself of some...

BACON FLAVOURED TOOTHPICKS

"Whether you yearn to eliminate unsightly debris from those hard-to-reach spaces between your teeth or you crave a splash of bacon zest to spice up a boring oral hygiene routine, these bacon-flavored toothpicks are for you. Arm yourself with invigorating pig freshness and the confidence that you can take on the world. The next time you pig out, you'll be glad you have these flavorful slender sticks of wood by your side."


And for something altogether different...

BUBBLE GUM CIGARETTES

"Satisfy your oral fixation with these classic Bubble Gum Cigarettes. We're pretty sure that the Surgeon General will have no problem with you chewing a pack a day!"


MARIE ANTOINETTE HEAD LOLLIPOPS

"Once you get over the initial reluctance to put a human head in your mouth, you'll find that the subtle contours and cherry flavor of these Marie Antoinette Head Lollipops are worth the strange looks you'll get as you suck them."


"Let then suck lollipops!" I say.

And seriously YUCK...

GUMMY HEART

"Express your deep love and devotion in a creepy and disturbing way with a Gummy Heart. Each 4" tall, 80 gram piece of strawberry flavored gummy candy is realistically detailed to look just like a human heart! The package features a charming little rhyme: 'My love is pure, my love is true, you can have my heart and eat it too!'"


All these - and unbelievably more! - are available from Archie McPhee, 'Horrifying the World for Twenty-Five Years'.

Lastly, my personal favourite...

...because, of course, Nihilists don’t believe in flavour!

9 comments:

Eudora said...

Mmm, as I can see, the mints are very important for the brits... I am always learning with your blog Brian, thank you.

Boll Weavil said...

Do you have anything for people hat don't like mints ?

LisaH said...

Boll - you mean you don't fancy the toothpicks, bubble gum cigarettes, Marie Antoinette lollipops or Gummy Heart either?
Brian, what is a bit disappointing in all this is that you don't seem to have found a tin of mints featuring man in briefs. I lay down the challenge!

Brian Sibley said...

EUDORA - Having read BOLL's comment, I'm not sure the Brits are that mad about mints - although certain masochists do favour those XXXXXtra Curiously Strong Mints that take the top of your head off or those feeble little Polo mints where you are paying to buy a sweet that has had a hole taken out of the middle of it!

BOLL - LISAH has answered this for me. Don't be such a stuffed shirt, man! For pity's sake, try a garlic mint and live a bit dangerously for once!! ;-)

LISAH - Hmmmm... I think that's going to present me with quite a predicamint!

LisaH said...

I'm sure you'll rise to the bait... I mean challenge.

Carl V. said...

I like bacon, but that might be a bit much!

Love the Marie Antoinette lollipops.

Suzanne said...

I can see a very good way to put the garlic mints to good use: on a first date, if the guy turns out to be a bit of a creep or a loser, you just slip one of those in your mouth & hey presto! he runs a mile & no-one gets hurt!

Brian Sibley said...

True Carl; just a pity they don't come with a mini guillotine!

Good wheeze, Suzanne!

Bela said...

Oh-My-God! *runs away after picking jaw from floor*