COMMIE MINTS"Revolutionize your breath just like Lenin and the Bolsheviks revolutionized Mother Russia!"
"Each gothicly-styled tin contains one hundred mints guaranteed to give you the kind of garlic breath that will send vampires scurrying back to their coffins. Warning: consistent use of Garlic Mints may have a negative impact on your social life."
"Keep a tin of these Bite the Bullet Mints in your holster and you’ll have the freshest breath in the West!"
"Each collectible, coffin-shaped tin contains one hundred potent mints that will leave you with fresh breath to die for!"
MONKEY [Banana-Flavoured] MINTS
"If the simple grin on this monkey tin isn't enough to cheer you up, the delicious banana mints inside should do the trick. Whether you're monkeying around at home, or going bananas at work, a smiling tin of Monkey Mints will surely turn that frown upside down."
"Each one of these mints tastes like a delicious slice of crispy bacon with just a hint of mint flavor to give it that extra punch!"
After which you may wish to avail yourself of some...
BACON FLAVOURED TOOTHPICKS
"Whether you yearn to eliminate unsightly debris from those hard-to-reach spaces between your teeth or you crave a splash of bacon zest to spice up a boring oral hygiene routine, these bacon-flavored toothpicks are for you. Arm yourself with invigorating pig freshness and the confidence that you can take on the world. The next time you pig out, you'll be glad you have these flavorful slender sticks of wood by your side."
And for something altogether different...
BUBBLE GUM CIGARETTES
"Satisfy your oral fixation with these classic Bubble Gum Cigarettes. We're pretty sure that the Surgeon General will have no problem with you chewing a pack a day!"
MARIE ANTOINETTE HEAD LOLLIPOPS
"Once you get over the initial reluctance to put a human head in your mouth, you'll find that the subtle contours and cherry flavor of these Marie Antoinette Head Lollipops are worth the strange looks you'll get as you suck them."
"Let then suck lollipops!" I say.
And seriously YUCK...
"Express your deep love and devotion in a creepy and disturbing way with a Gummy Heart. Each 4" tall, 80 gram piece of strawberry flavored gummy candy is realistically detailed to look just like a human heart! The package features a charming little rhyme: 'My love is pure, my love is true, you can have my heart and eat it too!'"
All these - and unbelievably more! - are available from Archie McPhee, 'Horrifying the World for Twenty-Five Years'.
Lastly, my personal favourite...
...because, of course, Nihilists don’t believe in flavour!