Friday, 1 June 2007

SINKING FEELING

Brevity may be the soul of wit, but it's currently certainly NOT regarded as such by the movie-makers! If a film doesn't run for three hours, then they just have to pad it out until it DOES! Personally, I simply cannot be asked to drag myself to the cinema in order to sit through that many hours of Johnny Depp (fan though I am) & Co trying to convince me that Pirates of the Caribbean 3 NEEDS to run as long as Dr Zhivago!

It's best just to watch the trailers at the movies these days - they seem to be able to tell the entire film - with plot spoilers - in a matter of minutes! So how come the trailer-makers aren't as rich and famous and Oscar-ladden as the film-makers? Frankly, it's a mystery!

Mercifully, there are cinematic geniuses out there - like the self-styled 'Guy With The Glasses' whose work David Weeks happened upon the other day on YouTube - who are able to take these gargantuan epics and cut them down to size!

Here, for example, is all you need to know about Pirates of the Caribbean 2 - and at least two and a half hours shorter!



Farewell to 'The Black Pearl'! And, since a good joke is always worth repeating this happily gives me another opportunity to have a go at That Other Movie Ship - and goad its fans! So, once again, enjoy ---- just don't blink!



And from the same creative genius, here are the three parts of The Lord of the Rings in just a few seconds - proving that Peter Jackson really, truly, honestly didn't need all those extra hours!

The Fellowship of the Ring...



The Two Towers...



The Return of the King...



And strictly for adults, the brief version of Brokeback Mountain. Not that Brokeback was horrendously overlong, but at least it saves you having to watch all the Other Stuff in between the Interesting Bits!



Finally, here's where you can view all of the movie parodies created by Guy With The Glasses. So many goodies - Silence of the Lambs, 2001: A Space Odyssey and ALL the Harry Potter films in one five second mini-movie! What are you waiting for? Go and look!

22 comments:

Boll Weavil said...

I would preferred to have seen that version of the Lord of the Rings in the cinema I think. Could we do something similar with King Kong as well do you think ? I might even give JFK another viewing with such judicious editing !

Andy J. Latham said...

Well that's five seconds of my life I'll never get back!

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Andy's Animation Portfolio
Andy's Animation Blog

Elliot said...

Pirates of the Carribean 3 is thoroughly entertaining and almost 100% unintelligible from beginning to end.
It is long but I didn't feel it was any longer than any other film that could comfortably lose 40 minutes.

Suzanne said...

Fan as I am of LOTR books and films, I absolutely LOVED this "Return of the King" with Gandalf's "hobbits!" remark! BRILLIANT!!!

Brian Sibley said...

ELLIOT - OK, OK, but I'll wait till it's on DVD then I can also see all the out-takes that they judiciously edited out in order to bring it in on time! And that way I also get to have a loo-break as and when...

The great thing about the OLD cinematic epics was that there was at least an INTERMISSION and they were constructed like a play, now they are built like a rollercoaster and once the seatbelt's done up there's no stopping until its over!

I'm interested in the ratio of length to lack of intelligibility to which you refer... I saw OCEANS 13: a fun romp that is, in terms of the logistics behind what's Actually Going On, pretty obscure!

Brian Sibley said...

SUZANNE - And there was Miramax trying to get Jackson to make LOTR as TWO-movies... We now know all he REALLY needed was four actors and 15 seconds for the entire trilogy!! ;-))

Qenny said...

I feel guilty now. Love those heavily edited mini-movies, but it's a bit like licking the chocolate off a biscuit.

Brian Sibley said...

QENNY - Or something... ;-)

Suzanne said...

Brian, ANYTHING has to be better than the so-called cartoon version (part 1) of LOTR! I inflicted it on my daughter and myself and we rolled around on the carpet laughing. Anyone who criticises PJ's version should be forced to watch the "cartoon"!!

Elliot said...

Oi - you were just on the television.

LisaH said...

I agree that 3 hours is far too long for the 3rd 'Pirates' film. Shame they can't release a shortened version - just containing the scenes with Johnny Depp in them. He really should have won the Oscar for the first film.

Savvez!

Brian Sibley said...

SUZANNE - Great idea! Johnny Depp is more or less the only thing worth watching in PotC2 --- with maybe just a couple of short scenes featuring the wonderful Bill Nighy and the last minute arrival of Geoffrey Rush...

ELLIOT - I was on telly tonight?? What the devil was I doing??

James said...

See Titanic, King Kong, Pirates of the Caribbean I & II and Brokeback Mountain.

Acted by bunnies.

In thirty seconds.

http://www.angryalien.com/

Elliot said...

Prattling on about The Magic Roundabout.
It was a terrific documentary actually.

Brian Sibley said...

JAMES - Yes, the Bunny movies are great fun and a great favourite with Buttons.

ELLIOT - Oh, that old thing! I took part in the programme 3 or 4 years ago, wasn't paid a bean for doing it - not even expenses - because the had "no budget" and it must have been shown 20+ times already - although I've never actually caught it - because no one ever tells you when it's being repeated!!

Laurie Mann said...

Hey Brian, I've read and loved your LOTR movie books. Ironically, I was passing through London the night of December 10, 2001 and saw the crowds outside the Odeon, wishing I was closer to the movie than I actually was (http://216.92.255.170/sf/smofcon01/photo14.html#top).
When I read your description of the premiere party later, I really appreciated it.

Anyway, I'm in complete agreement on POTC. I liked the first movie quite a bit, hated the second movie and refused to go to the third.

I don't like sequelitis; movies almost never get better as the sequels drone on.

LOTR is a different situation, of course, is it was a richly realized world with a lot of depth. There is no depth in POTC.

Brian Sibley said...

LAURIE - You were in Leicester Square on the night of TFotR premiere and you didn't come and say hello?! Shame on you! ;-)

Laurie Mann said...

Brian, trust me, I would have. I did look for you at the memorable Return of the One Party in Hollywood two plus years later, but I didn't see you there.

Brian Sibley said...

LAURIE - Sadly I never made a TORn party... Maybe we'll meet at 'The Hobbit' premiere!! ;-)

Laurie Mann said...

>Brian wrote:
>Maybe we'll meet at 'The >Hobbit' premiere!! ;-)

I'm not holding my breath - I'm the one that launched http://www.boycottnewline.com
No audit indeed!

Brian Sibley said...

Well, PJ seems to have enough on his plate - what with the ghastly 'Lovely Bones' and the potentially disastrous 'Tintin' series; besides, would Sam Rami do THAT bad a job on 'The Hobbit'??

Laurie Mann said...

I'm not a big Raimi fan, so I'm not sure.

Much as I do think Jackson should be involved with the Hobbit, I'm almost more worried about Weta's production design/special effects not being involved.

I do love The Lovely Bones, and, particularly since Heavenly Creatures was the first Jackson movie I ever saw, he should be able to do a fine job with it. However, I'm a little worried about the size of the budget he's requesting. It's a very little novel, with fairly minimal special effects. It's one thing to go overboard with King Kong; it would be tragic to go overboard with The Lovely Bones.