Friday, 14 March 2008

COME BACK, RAQUEL!

Little known historical facts learned from 10,000 BC - in descending order of earth-shattering importance...



1) A race of people with plaited pony-tails and gold finger-nail extensions built prototypes for the Egyptian pyramids using woolly mammoths to haul the building blocks.

2) Good prehistoric folk spoke impeccable English; baddies (wearing turbans and riding horses) spoke in subtitles.

3) Cave-people had first-rate dental hygiene and used beard-trimmers with variable settings.

4) 10,000 BC is mammoth bollocks.

If you doubt this newly acquired knowledge, the film opens nationwide today, so you can check for yourself.

If you want to save the cost of a ticket, just take it on trust...


15 comments:

David Weeks said...

Historical fact number 4
"10,000 BC is mammoth bollocks."

Come on now, everyone knows that Mammoths were, how should one put it, well, big. So it stands to reason that despite being quite an age the Mammoth's appendages would also be, well, large ~ mammoth even!
You previous three discoveries should immediately be incorporated into the National Curriculum together with all the other b******s.

Boll Weavil said...

It seems odd to me that film makers would want to remake films like The Italian Job,Get Carter,The Whicker Man etc without troubling to find out what was actually so good about the first one. I suppose if they did that, they would realise that it shouldn't be remade at all as they had nothing at all to add to it...

LisaH said...

Thanks for the additional info, David and while we're all talking b******s, could you please remind Brian that his blogs have been knickerless for a little while now.
As for the film - I think I'll wait and let everyone else see it - wouldn't want to be caught up in the rush.

Brian Sibley said...

DAVID - The trouble is, kids will probably be adding such details to their history essays from now on and won't understand why they don't get a pass...

BOLL - To be fair (why be FAIR?) 10,000 BC is NOT a remake of ONE MILLION YEARS, BC which was, of course, earlier...

LisaH - Sounds like a minor Dickens character: 'Nicholas Blogg'... Was he in ALL OF A TWIST, perhaps?

LisaH said...

Don't be silly Brian - naturally he'd have to be a character in Knickerless Nickelby.

Andrew Glazebrook said...

I think the cartoon Captain Caveman is more historically accurate than this film !! :)

Suzanne said...

I don't suppose anyone out there in Blogland has heard of "Couilles de Mammouth"? Well, remember gobstoppers? Here in Belgium you can buy sweets that resemble enormous gobstoppers that are called "Mammoth's Balls"!

Brian Sibley said...

LisaH - 'Knickerless Nickelby'! PLEASE! If Boll Weavil gets even a whiff of puns, he'll be off and there'll be no stopping him!

ANDREW - You're right! Frankly, I was waiting for THE FLINTSTONES to turn up in their car with Dino...

SUZANNE - And you mean to say that Belgians actually... SUCK them?! :-0

Elliot Cowan said...

...cynic...

Boris Hiestand said...

gasp! shame! twiddle! turd.

Good Dog said...

Do the Slag Brothers in the Bouldermobile come to the rescue? I hope so because I think that would make it more historically accurate.

Still, what can you expect. It's from the idiots that made Godzilla and Independence Day.

Hopefully fact 04 will appear on the DVD packaging. I thought that was so brilliantly put.

Brian Sibley said...

ELLIOT - True!

BORIS - Sorry to disappoint you!

GOOD DOG - Warner's did ask me if I had a quote and, if I did, whether they could use it in publicity. Perhaps I should offer them point 4... :-)

Brian Sibley said...

MICHAEL comments....


Contrary to your stellar thoughts on '10,000 B.C.' - which by the way should be '10,000 B.C.E.' (Before the Common Era) - your obedient servant liked the film immensely.

Shades of Charlton Heston... Every historical or pseudo-historical film ever made for an English speaking audience had the characters speaking English.

Even in a certain THREE-film-series, about some folks in a place called 'Middle-earth', everyone spoke English - and when they spoke Elvish, it was shown in sub-titles.

It was a fun romp, and I was easily able to suspend my disbelief, just as I would for 'Mary Poppins', 'Fantastic Voyage', or Laurel and Hardy in 'Babes in Toyland'!

Brian Sibley said...

MICHAEL - Thanks for the contrary view.

When I arrived at the theatre, the film's publicist said:

"You need to put on your 10-year-old popcorn head and enjoy! Ibsen it isn't!"

So, maybe I just didn't get that head on right... Although, I have to say, the two ten-year-olds next to me got pretty bored and restless once the popcorn had run out...

Matt J said...

As a fan of classic B movies I was hoping it would be suitably enjoyable bollocks but Mark Kermode's review put me off it when he dismissed at as merely 'dull'. I think I'll catch it on the 'small-screen'. . .