ART MASTERCLASS

Following our recent discussions on whether or not giant spiders and cracks in the floor are 'art', I offer the following lesson in art-analysis, courtesy of that well-known cultural authority, Professor Lucy Van Pelt...

Click to enlarge

Image: © Charles Schulz

GRAVE PERSPECTIVE

Being just back from Greece, where smoking is NOT an issue, it is very curious to see so many ugly NOSMOKING notices slapped up everywhere and the harried huddles of smokers trying to find doorways that are not now designated NOSMOKING doorways...

Anyway, whoever thought it was witty to decorate a "Smoking Room" with this ceiling painting must now be kicking themselves for having wasted their dosh on commissioning the contemporary Michelangelo responsible for the work...


Since being legally defined as "an enclosed space", this Smoking Room must actually now be a Nosmoking Smoking Room!

BABY CHANGING FACILITIES

I'm in a coffee shop and the girl behind the counter (for whom English is not her first language) hands me my Americano and skinny cherry muffin and, indicating the dispenser of paper napkins, asks: "You wish for NAPPIES, yes?"

Note:
There will be no Sibley blogs for the next two days.
GON OUT
BACKSON
BISY BACKSON

REGAL LIKENESSES

Meanwhile, back at Buck House...

I've been thinking more about the the subject of misleading likenesses of The Queen, and wonder whether, maybe the solution is to hand over all currency portraiture to the cartoonists - then we wouldn't necessarily expect an authentic 'from life' likeness, but would at least have the benefit of being given a smile or two...

Potential royal artists include Hack (Matt Buck), though his view of the sovereign looks both UNhappy and UNglorious and is decidedly lippy - as, I suppose, One would be at being obliged to wear One's I-D card...


Alternatively, one could opt for America's Ann Telnaes and her take on QE2 (seen here with George Dubya as a rogue consort), but I think she's carrying a few too many stone for the British pound...


There is, of course, the viciously delicious Gerald Scarfe - ever-able to bring out the beast within us all...


And the work of the late, lamented, Willie Rushton, who thoughtfully provided HM with green wellies and the day's racing form...


Or maybe we should just hand things over to the ever-brilliant 'Trog' (Wally Fawkes) who has clearly established a winning formula for royal portraiture: whether depicting the Queen enjoying her least favourite game - footie...


...or working behind the bar down at the The Rose & Crown - an especially unforgettable royal image created for the now long-defunct Punch...


...but which, happily, can now be seen hanging in London's wonderful Cartoon Museum, alongside the cream of Britain's cartoonists and caricaturists such as Bateman, Low, Emmet, Giles, Garland, Calman, Steadman, Scarfe and many other witty and wicked chroniclers of the past and present...

HAIR TODAY...

More curious, punning, signs of our times - today from a couple of clip-joints!



And one that's not exactly a pun but does at least rhyme...


...although what the snakes have got to do with it is anybody's guess --- unless, of course, he was hair-stylist to Medusa!


Incidentally, my hairdresser tells me that an American boutique was once spotted going under the unlikely name of GET YOUR LOCKS OFF!

He also tells me that hairdressing salons have to PAY to have bags of cut hair removed by council refuse teams -- as INDUSTRIAL WASTE!!

Bizarre and unlikely signage are always welcome at this blog - feel free to submit your examples.

[Images: © Brian Sibley & David Weeks]

TIP FOR TIPPLERS

Some time ago, I found myself sitting next to a woman at a dinner who was drinking a great deal of wine, the effects of which were clearly begining to show. Having knocked off one bottle, she ordered another and started quaffing that with undiminished enthusiasm.

I had ordered a glass of wine and had long since drained the dregs; noticing my empty glass my dining companion offered to top me up from her bottle.

"Well, thank you," I said politely.

"Itshavery good wine..." she said with that slow precision of speech that is demanded of those who are pissed!

I took a sip and agreed.

"An whatch shmore," she said, "itch stotally non-halco-holic!"

"Really?" I said, somewhat surprised.

"Oh, yesh!" she said, "but musht look for the bottlesh with the schpecial shymbol..."

She seized the bottle by the neck and indicated the relevant symbol on the back label...


"Yesh," she said, "Thatsh how you know, an' if thish shymbol shnot there then you musht be very caushous about how musch you drink!"

DRAMATIC QUESTION

Paul Scofield is sitting on a train, reading a script and minding his own business when a man gets into the carriage, notices him and decides to engage the actor in conversation.

"It is Paul Scofield, isn't?" asks the man excitedly.

"Yes..." replies Scofield.

"I thought it was," the man goes on. "You see, I do a bit of acting myself!"

"Really?" says the actor with a certain sinking feeling.

"Oh, yes!" says the man, warming to his theme, "I've been in a great many productions with the Upper-Twittering Amateur Dramatic Society..."

"Fascinating..." murmurs Scofield.

For the next thirty minutes, the man reels off details of his theatrical triumphs: the Agatha Christie murder mysteries, the Ben Travers farces, the open-air summer productions of Shakespeare and the Christmas pantos. He relates funny stories about actors forgetting their lines, missing their cues, tripping over the set, dropping props and ripping costumes in embarrassing places... Throughout Scofield listens in stoic silence.

Eventually the train arrives at the man's station and he gets up and shakes the actor by the hand. "It's been lovely to chat," he says as he opens the carriage door and steps out onto the platform. Then, as he goes to close the door, he smiles at Scofield and says with a chuckle, "I don't know, Paul, why do we do it?!"

[Image: Nicholas Sinclair]

SWEET TALK

Our friends were giving a dinner party for first-time guests.

The hostess had gone off to the kitchen to fetch the desert: her speciality - sticky toffee pudding.

In her absence, her young son confided to the guests that they were about to enjoy the family's favourite afters.

"How nice," smiled one of the guests indulgently.

"Yes," said the boy innocently, "it's called stiffy cocky pudding..."

Out of the mouths of babes and, as they say, sucklings...

"NOT BLOODY LIKELY!'

Some humour, however vintage, never really ages - for example: The Dairy of a Nobody and 1066 And All That...

And that was never more true than of a little book of "manners for the multitude" first published in 1907 and entitled NEVER - Never Complain, Never Explain, Never Do Anything Eccentric.

Written by Walter Emanuel, this amusing little pocket book has witty illustrations by the great cartoonist, illustrator and poster artist John ('Skegness is So Bracing') Hassall.

Among the pieces of useful etiquette are such indispensible pearls of wisdom as:

However dull a dinner-party may be, never produce a book from your pocket, prop it up against a candlestick, and begin reading it - even though this may lead to your never being asked to that house again.

If a fish-bone sticks in your throat at dinner, on no account make a fuss. Quietly ask for a cat. When she is brought to you, open your mouth as wide as possible, and let puss insert her head and body and she will soon fetch out the obstruction. Care should be taken to keep a firm hold of the hind legs, as the entire disappearance of the cat may lead to a fit of coughing and no gentleman draws attention to himself.

Be neighbourly. If a dead cat be discovered in your garden, throw it back over the wall. If you get a letter from the next-door people denying that the cat was theirs, write a polite note saying that they may keep it all the same.

Never wear motor-goggles when riding on a motor-bus. It is considerd pretentious.

Never draw attention to yourself. Especially if you are a pick-pocket.

If a lady drops her purse, not only pick it up, but return it to her.

And my personal favourite...

Do not omit to take a menu away with you. It may help the Coroner.


[Never is published in facsimile by Copper Beech Gift Books]

DIVINE SIGNS

Here's the Other Side of the new street sign that recently went up outside the church next door...

"Thou shalt love the Lord iPod with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might... for iPod is a jealous pod, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me..."

I'm so glad I took those photos when I did - the signs themselves have all been stolen!

PRIMITIVE SCHOOL

Our local café curently has an exhibition of paintings by a multi-tasking, portmanteau-worker who describes herself as:

Childminder/Mobile Creche Provider/Artist

Since the going rate for most of the pictures is within the £60-90 price range, one cannot help but wonder what percentage actually goes to her mobile creche collaborators!

GOOD MOVIES

An odd bit or serendipity…

Our local cinema is showing, concurrently, The Good GERMAN and The Good SHEPHERD,

The week after Crufts Dog Show, I was half hoping to find they were also screening a movie called The Good GERMAN SHEPHERD!

Now, that would have been something to blog about!


[Image: Hawaiian Dog Stuff from Dakinedog]

JEST FOR LAUGHS

Yes, once again, it's...

RED
NOSE
DAY
!

What better way to start Comic Relief Day than with a few good laughs?





EVERYONE, it seems, is getting the red-nose habit - even Buttons!


Visit Button's blog for a special Red Nose Day Joke and another silly photo!

[If you want to add a Red Nose to YOUR photo (like mine, not Buttons!) you can do it on Comic Relief's Nose-ify Yourself page!]

MY SECRET LIFE

Sometimes people ask me what I do when I'm not writing a daily blog...

I have always been a little shy about revealing such information...

But since it is now public knowledge - thanks to
of The New Haven Register:

Assistant State’s Attorney Brian Sibley Sr. said, "The jury spoke. Some you win, some you lose. Obviously, I’m disappointed. A lot of work goes into it. Apparently there wasn’t enough to satisfy six people to convict beyond a reasonable doubt."

Yes! I see no reason to hide the truth any longer: I am known (by those who know) as 'The Ironside of Kennington' - except, of course, when I lose the ruddy case!

SIGNS OF ODDNESS

The roads, avenues, closes, lanes and walks of Britain are now a miasma of signage: an ugly jumble of what is referred to a street furniture which furnishes little other than annoyance!

Amongst the clutter, however, there are always the odd amusements, like this sign photographed by reader, Jennifer Miller...


...and this one erected outside the church next door by someone with a healthy irreverence for the Lord and his servants!

FOREIGN INCONVENIENCES

What is it about the French and toilets? I mean, they invented the bidet - and, indeed, there are rumours that Marie Antoinette conducted audiences seated on hers - and yet public loos are either little better than a hole in the ground or, where they have the luxury of a pan, prefer not to bother with such trivialities as a lid or even a SEAT!

They also tend to be low down affairs, intended for acrobats for whom, presumably, limb-contorting squats are second nature when it comes to answering a call of nature…

On our recent trip to Paris, we stayed in hotel that despite lacking a bidet (the remnants of plumbing, glimpsed beneath a bathroom stool, showed where it had once sat) did have a properly designed lavatory pan…

Hurrah, I thought, till I discovered that I had been lured into a false state of confidence by a vindictive bathroom fitter with a grudge against tourists who had maliciously fastened the loo-roll holder at a distance from the pan where it could only be of use to a particularly long-armed orang-utan!

Medre!

ROYAL RESPONSE

Following on from yesterday's blog about the Oscar-winning potential of British royalty, I keep fantasizing about possible Buck House conversations over the morning papers...

HMQEII: Ah... One reads that Dame Helen is up for an Oscar for playing One... Should One be amused, Phil, do you think?

DofE: I'll tell you what'd be bloody amusing - take her bloody Damehood back! QEI would have chopped her head off before you could say Walter Bloody Raliegh! And I bet she's like those other bloody lefty dames - Jackson and Redgrave! Probably can't act her way out of bloody paper bag and only got made a dame because she supports New bloody Labour!

HMQEII: Blood pressure, Phil! I'm going to ring Blair...

DofE: And about bloody time! Finally going to tell the bugger to pack his bags?

HMQEII: Don't be silly dear! No, if he can fix it for all these people to get honours out of One, then he ought to be able to swing a couple of tickets for One to go the Oscars!

DofE: What? You don't think I'm going, do you? Listen, d'you know who the bloke was who impersonated me? He was the guy who played the farmer in that bloody film about a talking pig! Well, you won't get me there for all the bloody tea in chinkyland!

HMQEII: Don't worry, dear, One'll take that nice Paul Burrell. One hasn't seen him in ages and he lives over there now, so One can save on the air-fares...

DofE: *@!%&$*!

THE LANGUAGE OF FOOD

I'm still valiantly waging the waistline war and progress is very slow and none too steady... However, I recently ran across some research that maybe the REAL ANSWER to the struggles of us fatties hoping to avoid an untimely heart-attack.


Consider the following FACTS...

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

To which the obvious CONCLUSION is:

You can eat and drink whatever you like --- it's speaking English that kills you!

PASS THE PASTA

Here's some more helpful dietry advice which I pass on in the hope of helping others desperately trying to fight the flab and banish the bulge...

This is a new diet on which - if you follow the SIX EASY STEPS - you are ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED to loose weight!

It is called...

THE ITALIAN PASTA DIET

And this is how it works...

1: You walka pasta da bakery.

2: You walka pasta da sweet shop.

3: You walka pasta da ice cream stand.

4: You walk pasta da restaurant.

5: You walka pasta da table and fridge.

6: You lose weight!

DOG CATCHER

Regular reader, JENNIFER MILLER, just happened to snap these two shots near London's Tate Modern the other day. They provide an excellent example of how Londoners manage to get round petty officialdom in the City!!